Sleep & Lack Thereof

My sleep is all messed up these day. We are trying to sleep train AMK and she either goes to bed late and wakes up late, or she goes down early and wakes up in the middle of the night. And then of course ESK wakes up anytime between 7 and 8 in the morning... I find that by the afternoon, if I sit down to breastfeed AMK, I'll inevitably fall asleep with her in my arms.

Of course with sleep deprivation comes grouchiness. Lately, I fear I take it out on my family. Poor hubs gets snippy comments from me about the smallest infractions. ESK's two-year-old whininess gets a fierce tongue-lashing. This morning, I invited her to play with my costume/junk jewelry in bed with me and of course, she broke a necklace. I should have expected it, even though I had warned her to be gentle.

Pre-morning coffee me totally lost it. I yelled that she needed to start listening to mom & dad as well as her teachers. Otherwise, we weren't going to take her to school or any of her other activities anymore. As I was yelling, I saw her lips press together and the corners turn down into a frown. Her eyes widened. I realized she was about to cry and I stopped myself.

It's not like I even liked or wore the necklace anymore -- $5 piece of junk I got at one of those tables in SoHo. Sometimes it's hard to stop myself and put things in perspective. Really, I was letting my blood boil over a helpless 2-year-old and a string of beads that was worthless even before it broke.

I've also been feeling guilty about the negligible amount of quality time I've been spending with ESK. Most days it's all I can do to just keep her occupied and out from underfoot! But really, I know she would be so much better off if I actually played with her. Even if it means cutting those darn vegetables for the 10th time. Or emptying and filling up her purse AGAIN. Or chatting with her about her baby doll. (By the way, lately she's been saying a string of Spanish words over and over again: "Gracias! De nada! Buenos noches!" Too much Dora.)

It doesn't help that lately, I've been feeling like my work is never done. When the dinner dishes are done and all I want to do is relax, I realize there's still things I could clean up, clothes that could be folded, emails that I should write... the list goes on and on...

Do you think getting more sleep will help my situation? I hope so. Because the other night, I was tucking in ESK to sleep and was reminded of how precious she was. I don't even remember the conversation, but I just remember my heart was so filled with love. Kids are just full of unadulterated joy and happiness. It was just one of those moments. I don't want to be grouchy mom anymore... I heart ESK.

Firsts & Full Plate

First....

Day of school -- tired out ESK.
Raisins -- a.k.a. "grapes and sunshine!", gave her the runs and a mean diaper rash.
Soccer class -- made mommy more tired than ESK.

The past two weeks have been full of new experiences for ESK. School has been great for her. On her first day, she joined her classmates without a glance back at me (I lingered around for five minutes just in case), but was exhausted and happy to see me when I picked her up four hours later.

So far it's been good for her AND for me. She enunciates a bit more when she speaks. She's learned about new things, like bumblebees. And she's even expanded her culinary horizons. All of a sudden she is interested in eating sandwiches. And one of her classmates must have introduced her to raisins...

As for me, I enjoy running errands with quiet little AMK or just stealing a few peaceful gurgly moments with her at home. It's great.

Full Plate
Fall has always been the start of exciting new things. And this year, it's no different for me. I'm not going back to school, but I have committed myself to a lot of social and volunteer activities. For the first time in my married life, I feel like I have my own life. I feel back to my old self in some ways. Of course, without the night life and borderline reckless shopping habit. But it feels good to stretch myself a bit and reach out to others.

When I slept for 12 straight hours this past Friday evening, I woke up on Saturday and wondered if perhaps I had piled too much onto my plate. I think though that it's just tough settling into a new schedule and I hope my endurance will build up as the fall progresses.