Coming Out of the Fog

Baby P celebrated her first birthday a couple weeks ago.  It's hard to believe her first year went by so quickly.  It seemed just yesterday I was wearing her around town close to my body and she snuggled in like a little joey in her mama's pouch.  These days, she's still happy to snuggle, but not without poking at my face, playing with my jewelry or hair, or eventually twisting and turning to see the world behind her...

I am sad to see the baby phase over.  She is definitely going to be our last child so I do try to savor all the snuggles, chubby baby parts and milestones.  But I am glad to be moving onward with my life.  Just as Baby P started walking suddenly a couple weeks ago, I could feel myself coming out of that first-year fog.  Baby P has been sleeping through the night for months, so it hasn't been a sleep deprivation fog.  But it wasn't until her first birthday passed that I felt like I had the mental wherewithal to think about my future.

Our house is a wreck (toys for all ages in every nook and cranny of our little house), but I am slowly working on getting baby things out of the house.  This weekend, we donated our baby bouncer,  exersaucer, infant tub, and various other baby-related equipment to Goodwill.  Our house feels just a bit less cluttered.  Every time I spy a baby item that's no longer used, I mentally tag it for the next Goodwill box.

I'm looking forward to next fall when the two older girls will be at the same school all day long!  Just thinking about the possibilities for myself makes me excited.  Stopping in at the grocery store with just one child!  Woohoo!  Having large blocks of time to work out at the gym!!  Taking classes for myself instead of baby gym classes?!  Finally coming back to reading novels again?  I have no ambitious plans for my future (just yet), but even thinking about these small things in my near future feels pretty awesome.

In other news, big sister E is zooming off to become an independent little girl.  Girly-girl but definitely a bold tomboy as well who really wants to learn how to ride horses (!!! gulp).  In the meantime, the middle A is in need of extra-special attention these days as she enters her terrible 3s.  She is easily frustrated and breaks down in tears several times a day.  But when I am able to devote my full and undivided attention, she lights up from the inside.  I love seeing her like that and need to make those moments happen more often.

Overall, I am feeling pretty blessed these days.  Every day there are small challenges and tribulations.  But my children are healthy and so much fun these days, my husband is loving and fulfilled in his career, and I am finally at a place where I struggle less with my role as a mother and wife.  Finally.

I leave you with some pictures of spring in Oregon.  Who says it rains here all the time?

Procrastination

I thought my procrastinating days from life as a student were over. But here I sit, writing on my blog (which I obviously NEVER do), instead of doing my homework. Homework? Yes, I'm taking a French class that meets on Mondays. Ahh... that old Sunday evening dread is setting in...

I've decided to take the class because ESK is in a French immersion program and being a typical 4-year-old, she is absorbing her new language like a sponge. She comes home with new words, songs, and phrases everyday. Already, her accent sounds quite authentic (lots of back of the throat sounds). So in order to at least be able to read out loud to her and recognize some words here and there, I've enrolled in a class that meets once a week for an hour.

How's it going? A bit overwhelming. It's an immersion-style class, so even the homework is totally disorientating. I am in a small semi-private class with two other people and so there is absolutely nowhere to hide. And my teacher is a somewhat intimidating linguist of Romanian descent. Somedays, I can feel my cheeks getting hot and wishing I were invisible and I feel transported to middle school Spanish with my disciplinarian, ex-nun teacher, Senora Swan. Eeek! A bit of an exaggeration, but definitely some stress here. But a different kind of stress than the usual, child-rearing-related stress... so in that way, it's kinda nice.

Besides this new class, our fall has been very busy. School for both ESK and AMK (just two half-days a week for her) and their activities have me running in all directions. I can't even imagine what life will be like when the baby (PHK) will begin doing things... In the meantime, I am enjoying every little baby moment with baby P. She is such a sweet little thing with her little baby noises and her chubby little body parts. Some pictures from this fall:

Fall hike

Seattle trip

Halloween

Pinkalicious: The Musical and Tea Party



Baby P sitting up

100 Days

Sorry for being away for so long.... I've missed writing here and hope people are still checking from time to time.

My little baby P hit the 100 day milestone on Friday. We celebrated with friends and ee-mo Liz at a beach house this past weekend with cake. As is always in a mom's life, time is warped... It seems like just yesterday I was holding her in the hospital, but also feels like the longest three months of my life. Recovery went smoothly and quickly and breast-feeding has been going well. Thankfully, Baby P has been relatively low-maintenance. She is a pretty, pale-skinned chubster who likes to furrow her eyebrows often and laugh out loud for daddy. Right now, she's at the grabby, flapping, kicking stage which is very cute, but a little spazzy.

With three children, there has not been much time for reflection. I think I was back to dropping my eldest off at school after a week. My mom was here for a month to help me recover, but once she left (and after many tears), I was flying solo. Going anywhere with three little ones has been a challenge, especially at school. Trying to corral the older two and keep them from running out onto the road or the parking lot was stressful. Not to mention I felt very self-conscious at my daughter's school, where it feels like most parents have one child and moms (or nannies) show up perfectly coiffed and manicured (vs. my haven't-showered-in-several-days look). Most parents were helpful and even chased down the older two when they ran off, but I'm hoping by fall, I'll have a better handle on it and won't feel like a walking, three-ring circus.

Dinnertime is always kind of crazy. If my older two are not immersed in some kind of activity, I turn on the boob tube to keep them occupied while I am cooking. I honestly don't even feel guilty about this anymore. And if the baby is fussing, then I'm often rocking her in the bouncer or car seat or holding her in my arms and doing the one-handed cooking bit. Needless to say, dinners here have become increasingly simple and Trader Joe's frozen section has become my best friend. Luckily, it is also summertime, which means a lot of grilling in "Daddy's kitchen" (as E says) and easy marinated meats and grilled veggies for dinner.

One thing that is a major help to me is our part-time nanny. We started having a young woman come help us everyday for a few hours. While I definitely still feel guilty and indulged for being a SAHM with daily help, I know that I am a better mother and wife because of the nanny. I'm more patient with my children and more careful with my words and tone of voice. I'm also kinder to my husband, which has been especially important lately since he's been increasingly busier at work and exhausted by the time he gets home.

Unfortunately, even with the help of our babysitter, nothing can help me with my least favorite part of these newborn months -- sleep deprivation! On a typical night, I am only getting 4 hours of sleep. I felt super-refreshed the first time baby P slept for 5 hours uninterrupted. I do try to nap during the day when I can, but most days it's not possible between dropping off and picking up from activities and running errands. What usually ends up happening is that I fall asleep when I am sitting down to breastfeed. Once I even fell asleep while pumping milk. Tonight, I breastfed baby P in bed and fell asleep with her for three hours. I woke up at 11 p.m. and am waiting for baby P to get tired.

Ok, I would write more or post a picture, but baby P is getting fussy again. Maybe she's ready for sleep? Cross your fingers....

Late Night Thoughts

I haven't posted in ages and am having one of those nights where the baby just won't sit still. So, here goes a late night ramble...

I'm 8 months along and ready to have baby #3. In the physical sense that is. I am ready to be unencumbered by this pregnancy! It is really tiring chasing after two little ones with a full belly and I really am feeling round and awkward these days. The other day I fell down the stairs trying to get out the door, with AMK in my arms. It was a painful and scary moment, lying at the bottom of the stairs on my back, wondering if I had broken something or if I had harmed the baby in my belly. Luckily, AMK barely even noticed she had taken a tumble and was quietly playing next to me while I gingerly took a systems check of my body. Just a sprained ankle, nothing more. And what is one to do to prevent incidents like these? Stop taking the stairs? Stop carrying my child around?

Anyway, emotionally of course, I feel totally unprepared for baby #3's arrival. I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of the coming summer (to hire help? what kind of help? how many days? how many hours per day? summer camps? ack!) and feeling a bit overwhelmed by preparations that still need to be made for the baby's arrival. We have transitioned the girls into the same room and luckily they are sleeping together peacefully at night with minimal shenanigans. I need to find infant clothes and various baby supplies. Not to mention come up with some baby girl names!

And of course, I have chosen now to doubt whether or not I wanted to be a mother at all. You know those thoughts of, "What has become of me? Am I really supposed to be a mom?" Those feelings are running through me strongly these days.

Enough negative thoughts. Here are some sunnier memories from our trip to Hawaii....

Poolside sunchips and sunglasses

Swimming Star

ESK loved this slide

Appallingly, I have very few pictures from the past few months. Mission for the next month before baby arrives: take more pictures! AMK is really at a fun age, talking a ton and starting to pretend play. Today, I watched her set up a tea party and pretend to pour and drink. And ESK is loving her new school now and seems to really be picking up some French. Tonight at dinner, between spoonfuls of mac n' cheese, she declared, "Fromage!" Lol. She can drive me crazy sometimes, but she also knows how to make me laugh!

Pretending

On our way home from an especially rowdy birthday party this weekend, the car was very quiet. The drive home was only 5 minutes long, but we suspected our girls were going to fall asleep. I turned around and #1 did seem to be snoozing and told the hubs out loud, "Hey, I think ESK fell asleep!"

Soon enough, a few seconds later, we heard the sound of heavy breathing. A minute later, the heavy breathing had turned into full on snoring. Heavy snoring, like an old man's. Hubs and I were a little surprised because we had never heard her snore so loudly before, but were understanding since she did have a long day...

Another minute later and the snoring had become cartoonish and SK and I looked at each other a little alarmed. To tell you the truth, I thought maybe she was suffocating on her winter gear or something. I turned fully around and shouted out #1's name. After which I saw her eyes were wide open and she was smiling. She was pretending of course! A pretty good acting job I must say.

We all had a good laugh. I don't know why I'm so struck by this little moment. I guess because ESK has never done anything like that before and she kept up the charade for awhile, even after we commented on her snoring several times. It feels like a developmental leap of some sort.

Long Day

Today was a long day. Two birthday parties and a swim lesson. Sandwiched by quick trips to the grocery store and the mall. Birthday party 1: Indoor inflatables gym (bouncy houses). Birthday party 2: Ice skating.

Highlight of the day? Watching AMK go down a bouncy house type slide. She looked scared at first, twisted wildly out of control and ricocheted off the sides of the slide. But when I picked her up at the bottom, she signed wildly and said, "More, more!" very enthusiastically. She cracks me up...

New Year, New Underwear

I'm not really one for New Year's resolutions, so I can't say that I resolved to do a underwear drawer overhaul. But I was getting pretty sick of the granny panties and old bras I was bringing out every morning. I finally had a couple hours free this morning to make a trip to Nordstrom.

Underwear wasn't really a big deal and that part of the shopping trip was done in a few minutes, but I realized it had been awhile since my last proper bra fitting. The lady who took care of me was a no nonsense woman about my own mother's age. I was a little shy about being half-naked in front of her, but I figured she has just about seen it all, so I just went with it. With a whisk of her measuring tape and a professional eyeballing of my boobs, she was off to find me a new get-up (so to speak).

In about 15 minutes, I felt like a new woman. Apparently my mammary lumps have grown in pregnancy (although I don't remember anything this dramatic in my past two pregnancies) because I went up about 2 cup sizes. Crazy. I would have never picked out the size that she brought me, but these new brassieres were really comfortable! Wowsers!

I happily spent a small fortune. My rationale is that with this growing baby bump, I'm only going to get increasingly uncomfortable. Might as well make sure one area of my body will be getting enough support and pampering!