Sausage Digits & Rat Tails

I am about 32-33 weeks now and am feeling very pregnant. As of this weekend, I had to stop wearing my wedding rings because my fingers are swollen and are starting to resemble meaty little sausages (the breakfast link variety). I'm kinda sad about that. I am trying to drink more water over the course of the day, which is supposed to help. I suppose people will think that I'm a single pregnant mom. Oh well.

Besides that, I am feeling a bit frustrated about my role as mom and wife these days. Yesterday I hit a breaking point when I found out I would have to cancel a hair appointment I had been looking forward to for weeks. The problem is really two-fold: 1) finding a Portland stylist who knows how to cut Asian hair, and 2) working around hubs and ESK's schedule.

It's been awhile since I got my haircut (although nothing like Yellowinter's 1.5 years!) and my hair is starting to look like something out of a bad Whitesnake video or something -- shaggy and series of rat tails at the ends. Living in one of the whitest cities in the country means that it has been hard to find a stylist who has much experience with Asian clients. My last two experiences here in Portland have been lackluster to say the least.

I tell myself it doesn't really matter since I always wear my hair in a ponytail anyway. But every now and then, it would be nice to wear it down. My frustration is compounded by the fact that I don't really like how I look these days -- swollen and waddling. Yeah yeah yeah... pregnant women glow, they're cute, etc. etc..... Also, I know when baby #2 arrives, scheduling issues aren't going to get any better. These scheduling problems made me realize just how much my life revolves around taking care of my daughter and husband and how my priorities can easily get lost in that mix.

Just feeling sorry for myself I guess. Someone stop me from getting sucked into this spiraling vortex of self-pity! Ack!

Pregnant & Sick

Was anyone sick when they were pregnant? ESK keeps bringing home colds from her various playdates and activities and passing them to SK and myself. The latest sickness left me dizzy and nearly incapacitated this past weekend.

I was feeling pretty sorry for my bloated and sick self this weekend, and I'm afraid SK heard a lot of groaning and moaning. He was very supportive of course. All I wanted to do was to knock myself out with some drugs and go to bed. Alas.... not allowed!

I mostly feel sorry for little ESK who can't even properly communicate how she's feeling besides whining and crying. On the bright side, she has learned to blow her nose, which I'm sure brings some relief to her clogged sinuses. Unfortunately, she blows her nose straight into her hands, no tissue, and without any warning. Then smears all over face. It's been a messy week to say the least....

Home Alone

I'm home alone this weekend with ESK while SK is on a retreat. I've flown solo before when ESK was much younger, but for some reason, I'm sadder this time. Perhaps it's the pregnancy hormones and heightened emotions.

As March slips by, I'm somehow numbed by bad news I read in the paper or see on TV, but still struck by the steady flow of bad news I hear from friends and acquaintances. I called a girlfriend two days ago to wish her a happy birthday and instead of a cheery & light conversation, we were nearly in tears by the end of the phone call. We both wondered aloud, "Is this what it means to be an adult?" Greater responsibilities, more vulnerabilities... more gained, more lost?

I sometimes think back to just a few years ago when I was single and childless and remember how carefree and adventurous (and admittedly irresponsible) I was. Perhaps it's because my life changed so much, so quickly -- new home, new husband, new baby -- but I still feel a loss of self, although less and less so as the months go by. I catch myself telling wistful stories to new friends that start much like this: "When I was in New York.... [sigh]"

Some of this attitude stems from self-hatred, a remnant of my career-driven, demanding former self who never thought she would give up a career for family. I'm happy as a SAHM in the suburbs, but that great chasm between my former self and my current situation causes angst and friction from time to time.

I don't know how I ended up blogging about this. Totally unintentional. This is what happens when I'm home alone....