I'm home alone this weekend with ESK while SK is on a retreat. I've flown solo before when ESK was much younger, but for some reason, I'm sadder this time. Perhaps it's the pregnancy hormones and heightened emotions.
As March slips by, I'm somehow numbed by bad news I read in the paper or see on TV, but still struck by the steady flow of bad news I hear from friends and acquaintances. I called a girlfriend two days ago to wish her a happy birthday and instead of a cheery & light conversation, we were nearly in tears by the end of the phone call. We both wondered aloud, "Is this what it means to be an adult?" Greater responsibilities, more vulnerabilities... more gained, more lost?
I sometimes think back to just a few years ago when I was single and childless and remember how carefree and adventurous (and admittedly irresponsible) I was. Perhaps it's because my life changed so much, so quickly -- new home, new husband, new baby -- but I still feel a loss of self, although less and less so as the months go by. I catch myself telling wistful stories to new friends that start much like this: "When I was in New York.... [sigh]"
Some of this attitude stems from self-hatred, a remnant of my career-driven, demanding former self who never thought she would give up a career for family. I'm happy as a SAHM in the suburbs, but that great chasm between my former self and my current situation causes angst and friction from time to time.
I don't know how I ended up blogging about this. Totally unintentional. This is what happens when I'm home alone....
3 comments:
I know it was unintentional, but I'm glad you did share. I go through these moments of emotional troughs, knowing that others feel similarly yet still feeling completely alone. Went through a huge dip about a month ago feeling completely inept at all things, including and especially about motherhood, which is my "job" after all. I'm out of the funk, but not sure if I quite resolved it. At the end of the day, it lies at the heart of what I find my worth and identity , which ought to be in Christ first.... Well, I could prolly go on, but just wanted to thank you for sharing and to know that the journey isn't tread alone. :)
i hear ya! and can relate to everything except the new york part. i hear that once our kids are older and we've found a version of our "self" again it gets better.
i also think the age ESK is at is difficult, not only because they are hard to deal with, but also because in some ways they are easier to deal with and there is more time for you to sit and reflect.
and finally.. we do have hope in Christ and for everything to be made new and perfect in Heaven. that is the hope in which we can cling.
my friend always reminds me that she found her 'voice' in her 30's. at this particular time, i suppose that voice for you is that of a mom. and i'm sure you'll learn how to be good at that and also good at being that june we all know and love!
as for all the crap that happens, well, i don't know about that whole being an adult and responsibilities part, but i think the longer we live, there is more opportunity for crap to enter into our lives (and bodies. remember living in the city and all those damn free radicals!?) but seriously, it just makes me more aware that i am getting older and that i am not as invincible as i once was/thought i was. i want to be able to take it all in, so i don't miss the opportunities to observe what's going on. which i think is what you're doing now!
also what the heck is a SAHM???
Post a Comment